Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
