I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
