I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
