yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Randomize
