apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
