Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
