Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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