just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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