I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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