hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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