I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
