Your face is a jimmy john
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
