My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
