woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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