theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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