Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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