Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Randomize
