If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
