Your mouth is God's brothel.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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