There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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