My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
