Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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