my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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