When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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