im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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