I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
