I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Randomize
