I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
