paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
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keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
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You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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