I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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