end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
