For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
