Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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