I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
