I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
