How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
