: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
