Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
