96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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