mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
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she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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