i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
