I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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