sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
