Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
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