I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I hate all girls vehemently.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
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I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
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But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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