if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
