I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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