apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
