pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
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She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
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I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
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