I cannot find my penis.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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