Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
