someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
