dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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