I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
