my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
