How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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