I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
